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Scottish Jokes


A man left his bagpipes in the back seat of his car with the window rolled down. After leaving his vehicle and walking only a few blocks, he suddenly realized his mistake and hurried back - but it was too late! Someone had ALREADY left another set of bagpipes next to the first.


Did you hear about the Scot who gave up golf?  He lost his ball.

Did you hear about the Scot who took up golf?  He found it.


Jock dropped a penny one day and as he bent down to pick it up it hit him on the back of the head.

Little known fact - copper wire was invented by two Scotsmen fighting over a penny

A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "My thoughts are a bit more serious this time." "Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation. "Aye," said the lad. "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me that first penny?"

MacLeod, Stornoway's most notorious tippler, making his way unsteadily homeward, encountered the parish priest, who inquired about the suspicious bulge in his coat pocket.
"It's holy water, Father," MacLeod protested piously.
The priest removed the bottle, sniffed at it and announced that it contained whisky.
"Glory be," cried MacLeod. "A miracle!"

A Scotsman was sick and in hospital. His doctors were afraid that this was to be the end of him since nothing they did could do anything to make him healthy. His physician asked him if there was anything that he could do to make him more comfortable in his final hours.
The Scot replied, "If I could only hear the pipes one more time it would make me very happy." So the doctor arranged for a piper to come into the room and play for the dying man.
When the Scot heard the pipes the color came back into his cheeks, his eyes became bright, his breathing was easier, and he got up and danced around the room. He was completely cured!
Later, while recounting the tale to his fellows over lunch the doctor confessed that this was a miracle cure that he couldn't explain. When the pipes began to play the Scotsman was cured. The only problem he could see was that two Englishmen in for checkups died.

A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."

Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called"Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door

Jock finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial problems. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. "God, please help me. Ah've lost ma wee store and if Ah dinna get some money, Ah'm going to lose my hoose too. Please let me win the lottery!" Lottery night! Someone else wins... Jock prays again. "God, please let me win the lottery! Ah've lost my wee store, ma hoose and Ah'm going to lose ma car as weel!" Lottery night again! Still no luck... Jock prays again.
"Ah've lost ma business, ma hoose and ma car. Ma bairns are starving. Ah dinna often ask Ye for help and Ah have always been a good servant to Ye. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so Ah can get back on ma feet!"
Suddenly there is a blinding flash as the heavens open and the voice of God Himself thunders:
"Jock at least meet Me half way and buy a ticket!"

A Scottish farmer was in his field digging up his tatties. An American farmer looked over the fence and said
"In Texas we grow potatoes 5 times larger than that!"

The Scotsman replied " Ah but we just grow them for our own mouths son!"

At an auction in Glasgow a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing 10,000 and would give a reward of 100 to the person who found it.
From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give 150!"


Jock's nephew came to him with a problem. "I have my choice of two women," he said, "a beautiful, penniless young girl whom I love dearly, and a rich old widow whom I can't stand."
"Follow your heart; marry the girl you love," Jock counseled.
"Very well, Uncle Jock," said the nephew, "that's sound advice."
"By the way," asked Jock "where does the widow live?"


Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books.
Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

John MacDonald, who was getting on in years had unexpectedly been appointed bell-ringer in the Parish Church much to the surprise and delighted satisfaction of his wife. She made no secret of her pleasure and lost no time in advising all and sundry of the good news.
" Have you heard of the job my man has just gotten, " she asked her neighbors.
" No, " replied one, " what is it ? "
" The ringing of the Church bell, " replied the proud wife.
" And what wage comes with that ? " came the vital question.

" Oh, he's very well paid, " said Mrs MacDonald, " he gets an excellent wage and a free grave!  " 

Andrew was a really good at odd jobs around the house. One day he found it necessary to call at the home of his friend and neighbor on a small matter of business. His knock at the door was answered by his friend's wife.
" Is Donald in ? " asked the visitor.
" Yes he's in, " was the reply.
" Well, can I see him, " continued the caller.
" No you can't see him," returned the wife.
" But I want to see him on a bit of business," persisted Andrew.
" Well, you can't see him. He's dead ! " came the announcement from the door.
" Was it sudden ? " asked Andrew.
" Yes very sudden, " he was informed.
" Well," continued Andrew, " did he say anything about a pot of green paint before he passed away ? "


Andrew had been busy for a long time in clearing some very rough ground as an extension to his garden. After months of toil he was at last seeing some of the fruits of his labors and, with pardonable pride, was admiring the display of blooms and vegetables when the Minister approached with a smile of approval.
" Well Andrew, " he began, " I must say that you and the Creator have between you have done a grand job on this ground. "
But Andrew was not too pleased about the division of credit.

" Maybe so, " he replied, " maybe so -- but you should have seen it when the Creator had it all to Himself. "

One day, young Andrew was making very poor progress with his rice pudding, and his mother was doing all she could to encourage him to empty his plate.  As a final inducement, she reminded him that, in China, there were millions and millions of children who would be thankful for even a small plate of rice.
But the matter-of-fact Andrew was not yet convinced.

"  Well, " he challenged, "  name one of them ! "

A Scotsman was shipwrecked and finally washed ashore on a small island. As he regains consciousness on the beach, he sees a beautiful unclad woman standing over him. She asks, "Would you like some food?"

The Scot hoarsely croaks, " Yes, please, I haven't eaten a bite of food for a week and I am very hungry !"
She disappears into the woods and quickly comes back with a basket of food. When he has choked it down, she asks, "Would you like something to drink?"
" Oh, yes ! That food has made me very thirsty and I would very much like a drink!"
She goes off into the woods again and returns with a bottle of 75-year-old single-malt Scotch whiskey. The Scotsman is beginning to think that he's in heaven when the unclad woman leans closer and says, "Would you like to play around?"
" Oh, you beautiful woman, don't tell me you've got a golf course here too!"

Jock and an American were flying across the Atlantic to New York when the stewardess approached.
"May I get you something?" she asked.
" Yes, a whisky" Jock replied.
She poured him a drink then asked the American if he'd like one.
"Never!" he said sternly. "I'd rather be raped and ravished by whores all the way to America than drink whisky!"
Jock hurriedly passed the drink back, saying " Shoot, I didn't know there was a choice!"

An American entered a bar and stood beside a Scotsman.
After they had chatted for a while the Scot asked,
"Where are you from?"
The American replied
"I'm from the finest country in the world."
The Scot looked skeptical and replied
"Are you? You have a damn funny accent for a Scotsman."

A Scotsman and Englishman are strolling along the beach when they find a lamp. They clean it up and out pops a genie. "I'll give you each one wish for freeing me" says the genie.
The Englishman thinks then wishes. "I believe in an England for the English, I'm sick and tired of all these Scots coming into MY country. I wish for a huge wall around England - to keep the English in and the Scots out"
POOF and it's done. The Scotsman thinks. "Genie?" he says "tell me about this wall". "Well" says the genie "it's 500 feet high, a third of a mile thick, nothing can get in and nothing can get out".
"OK" says the Scotsman "Fill it with water".

MacDougal was offered 500 pounds for his dog by an American and 100 pounds by an Englishman. Much to everyone's surprise he accepted the bid from the Englishman. Afterwards he explained.
"The dog can walk back home from England but he'll never swim the Atlantic."

A philosophical Scotland supporter on the train south to attend the Scotland versus England soccer match was heard to comment:
"No matter if we win or lose this game, we will still be winners in the game of life, because when our opponents waken up tomorrow they'll still be English and we won't."

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